The first Annual Report to the American Toy Industry:
To Mattel: I would like to register three key objections to your Barbie Jetski playset. First: Barbie gives little girls an unhealthy and unrealistic body image. Barbie’s head, for example, revolves 360 degrees. Normal female necks are not that supple. You are making millions of little American girls feel bad because they cannot twist their skulls completely around. Shame. Second, the instructions show that the top of the Jetski “snaps into place” on the motorized portion. It does not. Oh, the back part snaps, but the front does not. I could take it back; I could return to the Mall of America on the day after Christmas, find a parking spot, schlep the item to the store, get another one, drive home, and discover that it too has the same design flaw. I could also saw off my little toe with a butter knife, if I really wanted to. Three: It took 17 minutes to free Barbie from the wires, plastic garottes, tape and screws that binded her to the box. If you did not hire bondage enthusiasts to design the packages, parents might have an easier time on Christmas morn. Okay? Okay.